


Secrets of the Heart

by FrickingKaos



Category: Backstreet Boys
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Drama & Romance, Hospitals, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Slash, Unresolved Emotional Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-05
Updated: 2017-04-05
Packaged: 2018-10-15 02:19:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,602
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10548384
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FrickingKaos/pseuds/FrickingKaos
Summary: Nick visits Brian in the hospital and their true feelings are revealed.





	

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Nick walked down the hallway of the hospital, his footsteps falling softly with each minute that passed. He wasn't looking forward to this conversation, but it had to be done. When Brian had collapsed, his own heart had fallen in his chest...they all feared the worst. The doctor told them that unless they had a donor, Brian wouldn't live until next week. 

Many nights Nick had seen Brian hide his illness from the others, many nights he had watched someone he looked to be the strongest feel that he was weak. He had watched silently until one night when they argued. 

"Why are you putting off the surgery? Are you insane? Don't you understand you'll just make it worse? "

Brian turned away from him, ashamed but not wanting to show it as he fell silent. 

"So that's it then?"

"Nick, I..."

"Don't even start. You've been making up excuses for yourself for the past fucking year, Brian. Do you think I'm stupid? You still think I'm that naive little kid. I can see something is wrong. We all can. You're just so goddamn stubborn that you won't get help." Nick shouted. Brian knew he was angry, the vein in his forehead pulsed with each word. He flinched, never arguing back...letting the words cut through him. 

Nick turned as if he were walking away, but he came back. 

"You don't want to get better, do you?" he asked, his tone still at a fever pitch. Brian closed his eyes and sighed, shaking. He was trying so hard to hold it together, to be that strong man that Nick always put on a pedestal. The one that everyone looked to when things got hairy. He was the rock of the group, always happy even when he felt as if he were going to fall apart.

"I don't know anymore, Nick." he whispered. Nick's chest heaved and he began shouting again. This was worse than what happened in London. No, that was simply years of bottled up resentment. 

Resentment towards his marriage to Leighanne. He felt as if Brian was abandoning him. 

In a way he did. 

Brian had no idea the damage he'd done, the nights Nick had spent nursing bottle after bottle of vodka or some kind of hard liquor, destroying himself from the inside until he was an empty, bitter shell. Empty of love...that was better than any other emotion he felt. He wanted to feel nothing. It was Brian who sent him spiraling. All because he was too selfish to express his true feelings. 

Brian looked away, as Nick berated him, not giving a damn about anything anymore. Deep down he knew Nick was right. He was in a loveless marriage, fueled by lies. He never told Nick what he felt, and now that Nick's true feelings were coming out he never would. 

"You know what? Maybe it is better you died then. If that's what you want."

The words hit Brian so hard that he finally felt himself crumble. His chest tightened and he grasped for his heart, feeling sweat form at his temples. The anxiety was suffocating. He was drowning and there was no coming up for air this time. 

"Brian?" Nick's face fell, panic settling in. He ran to him as he collapsed, shouting for help.... 

 

Nick wasn't ready for this conversation. They'd rushed Brian to the hospital. It turned out he was suffering a severe anxiety attack due to stress. Nick felt terrible. He closed his eyes as his hand rested on the door to Brian's hospital room. 

Taking a deep breath, he walked in. He had to hold back tears when he saw Brian in the bed. Taking gentle steps, he walked over. The man in front of him looked at him with cold, empty eyes. They stood there for a long time, not speaking. Nick thought about the nights he drank away his feelings for Brian, tried to push him away. None of it worked. 

"I guess you got your wish." 

Nick looked at his feet, ashamed with himself when Brian spoke. His voice was empty. 

"I didn't mean it." 

Brian stared hard at him, and Nick saw him fighting to hold it together like he always did, but he couldn't hide the hurt in his voice. 

"Brian, I-"

"I have a week."

Now it was Nick's turn to hold it together. He couldn't lose the one person in his life that he loved. He drew in a breath as if he were dunked in ice water. 

Nick had spent these last years pushing Brian away....but he wasn't ready to let go. 

 

This was his fault. Brian was hurt and it was his fault. 

 

Nick hated to cry, and he didn't want to start now. He blamed himself more times than he should have in the last few hours. Brian was sicker than he let on, and like he had told him- too stubborn to admit something was amiss. Nick had the same problem. He could be bleeding and insist he was fine, because he hated attention. He didn't want people making a big deal over him because he felt like he was a burden. Just how Brian felt now. Brian didn't even have to tell him this, Nick just knew. He could see the hurt written across his friend's face. 

"You can't give up. They said there was a chance you might make it." Nick offered. The heart monitor beeped in reply before Brian opened his mouth to speak. 

"Come off it, you know that's a load of crap. You don't want me around anyway..I just drag you down." he whispered. These words sounded so strange in Nick's ears, remembering a drunken version of himself saying the same thing the night Brian got married. He'd smiled in the wedding photo, but he was angry. He'd torn up a room of the place where their wedding was held, and Kevin had stopped him. Kevin had held him and let him cry, never asking why he was so upset. The memory had been long ago buried but it resided deep in his mind, reminding him of what they once had and never would again. Brian would never be his Frick again. That man was gone.

"I still believe in you, you know. Even though you don't anymore." Nick whispered, taking his hand. Brian tugged it away and didn't respond. Nick tried for a little longer, trying to sound inspirational, trying anything he could think of to get Brian to change his mind about the surgery. After a while, Brian interrupted him. 

"You did this. Why do you care now?"

Nick almost blew up but he took a breath instead. 

"I did this....you're blaming me?" 

"You said I should die."

"GODDAMN IT BRI. YOU HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA, DO YOU?"

Nick's voice shook off of the walls and bounced back, startling Brian, who just looked at him in surprise. He never heard him get so loud before, and the way his voice broke at the end made him wonder. 

"You almost killed me, Brian. I never told you. But you were the reason I drank. You did that to ME. Okay?! You pushed me out of your fucking life. You chose HER over me." 

"Nick now is not the time to start talking shit about my wife."

"You don't even love her, do you?"

He wasn't even sure anymore. Sure he did at first, and even after they had Baylee...but the last few years it was like they'd become strangers. He didn't feel a connection anymore and couldn't explain why.

"How dare you..." Brian said defensively. 

"Just answer the goddamn question!" 

"I don't know why it matters..." 

"It matters because I love you!!!!" 

Nick's face turned red as soon as he blurted it out, a long held secret that was buried for many years and hidden by friendship. Nobody spoke for a long time until a nurse came to check on Brian, because she heard Nick yelling from the nurses desk. She checked over him and let after Brian assured her everything was fine. Even though he knew it was a flat out lie.

"Is that why you pushed me away?" Brian asked finally, now that they were alone again. Nick looked at his feet, his fist clenching on the hospital bed rail. 

"I didn't think you would want to be my friend anymore after I told you, so I just didn't. When you married her, I spiraled. I wanted to forget. The alcohol was supposed to make me forget. The truth is, I can't live without you, Brian. So that night when you told me you don't want the surgery, I lost it. I can't lose you...because if I do, I'll lose myself." he said as his voice broke. 

"I love you too, Nick. I thought you didn't feel the same so I pushed you away by getting involved with Leighanne. I thought that was the way I was going to be happy. I thought that I was in love with her. I was just in love with the idea of being married. Having that perfect life. I wanted to give up because I stopped believing in myself. Once you stopped, there was no reason for me to." he took a breath, his voice shaking. 

"So are you going to get the surgery?" Nick asked, reveling in their confessions to one another. His heart felt full again. 

Brian took his hand and smiled. 

Nick smiled back, their hands interlocking... Everything was going to be just fine.


End file.
